The Twilight Saga 3: Eclipse Chapter 26. ETHICS

THE COUNTER IN ALICE'S BATHROOM WAS COVERED WITH a thousand different products, all claiming to beautify a person's surface. Since everyone in this house was both perfect and impermeable, I could only assume that she'd bought most of these things with me in mind. I read the labels numbly, struck by the waste. I was careful never to look in the long mirror. Alice combed through my hair with a slow, rhythmic motion. â€Å"That's enough, Alice,† I said tonelessly. â€Å"I want to go back to La Push.† How many hours had I waited for Charlie to finally leave Billy's house so that I could see Jacob? Each minute, not knowing if Jacob was still breathing or not, had seemed like ten lifetimes. And then, when at last I'd been allowed to go, to see for myself that Jacob was alive, the time had gone so quickly. I felt like I'd barely caught my breath before Alice was calling Edward, insisting that I keep up this ridiculous sleepover faade. It seemed so insignificant. . . . â€Å"Jacob's still unconscious,† Alice answered. â€Å"Carlisle or Edward will call when he's awake. Anyway, you need to go see Charlie. He was there at Billy's house, he saw that Carlisle and Edward are back in from their trip, and he's bound to be suspicious when you get home.† I already had my story memorized and corroborated. â€Å"I don't care. I want to be there when Jacob wakes up.† â€Å"You need to think of Charlie now. You've had a long day – sorry, I know that doesn't begin to cover it – but that doesn't mean that you can shirk your responsibilities.† Her voice was serious, almost chiding. â€Å"It's more important now than ever that Charlie stays safely in the dark. Play your role first, Bella, and then you can do what you want second. Part of being a Cullen is being meticulously responsible.† Of course she was right. And if not for this same reason – a reason that was more powerful than all my fear and pain and guilt – Carlisle would never have been able to talk me into leaving Jacob's side, unconscious or not. â€Å"Go home,† Alice ordered. â€Å"Talk to Charlie. Flesh out your alibi. Keep him safe.† I stood, and the blood flowed down to my feet, stinging like the pricks of a thousand needles. I'd been sitting still for a long time. â€Å"That dress is adorable on you,† Alice cooed. â€Å"Huh? Oh. Er – thanks again for the clothes,† I mumbled out of courtesy rather than real gratitude. â€Å"You need the evidence,† Alice said, her eyes innocent and wide. â€Å"What's a shopping trip without a new outfit? It's very flattering, if I do say so myself.† I blinked, unable to remember what she'd dressed me in. I couldn't keep my thoughts from skittering away every few seconds, insects running from the light. . . . â€Å"Jacob is fine, Bella,† Alice said, easily interpreting my preoccupation. â€Å"There's no hurry. If you realized how much extra morphine Carlisle had to give him – what with his temperature burning it off so quickly – you would know that he's going to be out for a while.† At least he wasn't in any pain. Not yet. â€Å"Is there anything you want to talk about before you leave?† Alice asked sympathetically. â€Å"You must be more than a little traumatized.† I knew what she was curious about. But I had other questions. â€Å"Will I be like that?† I asked her, my voice subdued. â€Å"Like that girl Bree in the meadow?† There were many things I needed to think of, but I couldn't seem to get her out of my head, the newborn whose other life was now – abruptly – over. Her face, twisted with desire for my blood, lingered behind my eyelids. Alice stroked my arm. â€Å"Everyone is different. But something like that, yes.† I was very still, trying to imagine. â€Å"It passes,† she promised. â€Å"How soon?† She shrugged. â€Å"A few years, maybe less. It might be different for you. I've never seen anyone go through this who's chosen it beforehand. It should be interesting to see how that affects you.† â€Å"Interesting,† I repeated. â€Å"We'll keep you out of trouble.† â€Å"I know that. I trust you.† My voice was monotone, dead. Alice's forehead puckered. â€Å"If you're worried about Carlisle and Edward, I'm sure they'll be fine. I believe Sam is beginning to trust us . . . well, to trust Carlisle, at least. It's a good thing, too. I imagine the atmosphere got a little tense when Carlisle had to rebreak the fractures -â€Å" â€Å"Please, Alice.† â€Å"Sorry.† I took a deep breath to steady myself. Jacob had begun healing too quickly, and some of his bones had set wrong. He'd been out cold for the process, but it was still hard to think about. â€Å"Alice, can I ask you a question? About the future?† She was suddenly wary. â€Å"You know I don't see everything.† â€Å"It's not that, exactly. But you do see my future, sometimes. Why is that, do you think, when nothing else works on me? Not what Jane can do, or Edward or Aro . . .† My sentence trailed off with my interest level. My curiosity on this point was fleeting, heavily overshadowed by more pressing emotions. Alice, however, found the question very interesting. â€Å"Jasper, too, Bella – his talent works on your body just as well as it does on anyone else's. That's the difference, do you see it? Jasper's abilities affect the body physically. He really does calm your system down, or excite it. It's not an illusion. And I see visions of outcomes, not the reasons and thoughts behind the decisions that create them. It's outside the mind, not an illusion, either; reality, or at least one version of it. But Jane and Edward and Aro and Demetri – they work inside the mind. Jane only creates an illusion of pain. She doesn't really hurt your body, you only think you feel it. You see, Bella? You are safe inside your mind. No one can reach you there. It's no wonder that Aro was so curious about your future abilities.† She watched my face to see if I was following her logic. In truth, her words had all started to run together, the syllables and sounds losing their meaning. I couldn't concentrate on them. Still, I nodded. Trying to look like I got it. She wasn't fooled. She stroked my cheek and murmured, â€Å"He's going to be okay, Bella. I don't need a vision to know that. Are you ready to go?† â€Å"One more thing. Can I ask you another question about the future? I don't want specifics, just an overview.† â€Å"I'll do my best,† she said, doubtful again. â€Å"Can you still see me becoming a vampire?† â€Å"Oh, that's easy. Sure, I do.† I nodded slowly. She examined my face, her eyes unfathomable. â€Å"Don't you know your own mind, Bella?† â€Å"I do. I just wanted to be sure.† â€Å"I'm only as sure as you are, Bella. You know that. If you were to change your mind, what I see would change . . . or disappear, in your case.† I sighed. â€Å"That isn't going to happen, though.† She put her arms around me. â€Å"I'm sorry. I can't really empathize. My first memory is of seeing Jasper's face in my future; I always knew that he was where my life was headed. But I can sympathize. I'm so sorry you have to choose between two good things.† I shook off her arms. â€Å"Don't feel sorry for me.† There were people who deserved sympathy. I wasn't one of them. And there wasn't any choice to make – there was just breaking a good heart to attend to now. â€Å"I'll go deal with Charlie.† I drove my truck home, where Charlie was waiting just as suspiciously as Alice had expected. â€Å"Hey, Bella. How was your shopping trip?† he greeted me when I walked into the kitchen. He had his arms folded over his chest, his eyes on my face. â€Å"Long,† I said dully. â€Å"We just got back.† Charlie assessed my mood. â€Å"I guess you already heard about Jake, then?† â€Å"Yes. The rest of the Cullens beat us home. Esme told us where Carlisle and Edward were.† â€Å"Are you okay?† â€Å"Worried about Jake. As soon as I make dinner, I'm going down to La Push.† â€Å"I told you those motorcycles were dangerous. I hope this makes you realize that I wasn't kidding around.† I nodded as I started pulling things out of the fridge. Charlie settled himself in at the table. He seemed to be in a more talkative mood than usual. â€Å"I don't think you need to worry about Jake too much. Anyone who can cuss with that kind of energy is going to recover.† â€Å"Jake was awake when you saw him?† I asked, spinning to look at him. â€Å"Oh, yeah, he was awake. You should have heard him – actually, it's better you didn't. I don't think there was anyone in La Push who couldn't hear him. I don't know where he picked up that vocabulary, but I hope he hasn't been using that kind of language around you.† â€Å"He had a pretty good excuse today. How did he look?† â€Å"Messed up. His friends carried him in. Good thing they're big boys, 'cause that kid's an armful. Carlisle said his right leg is broken, and his right arm. Pretty much the whole right side of his body got crushed when he wrecked that damn bike.† Charlie shook his head. â€Å"If I ever hear of you riding again, Bella -â€Å" â€Å"No problem there, Dad. You won't. Do you really think Jake's okay?† â€Å"Sure, Bella, don't worry. He was himself enough to tease me.† â€Å"Tease you?† I echoed in shock. â€Å"Yeah – in between insulting somebody's mother and taking the Lord's name in vain, he said, ‘Bet you're glad she loves Cullen instead of me today, huh, Charlie?'† I turned back to the fridge so that he couldn't see my face. â€Å"And I couldn't argue. Edward's more mature than Jacob when it comes to your safety, I'll give him that much.† â€Å"Jacob's plenty mature,† I muttered defensively. â€Å"I'm sure this wasn't his fault.† â€Å"Weird day today,† Charlie mused after a minute. â€Å"You know, I don't put much stock in that superstitious crap, but it was odd. . . . It was like Billy knew something bad was going to happen to Jake. He was nervous as a turkey on Thanksgiving all morning. I don't think he heard anything I said to him. â€Å"And then, weirder than that – remember back in February and March when we had all that trouble with the wolves?† I bent down to get a frying pan out of the cupboard, and hid there an extra second or two. â€Å"Yeah,† I mumbled. â€Å"I hope we're not going to have a problem with that again. This morning, we were out in the boat, and Billy wasn't paying any attention to me or the fish, when all of a sudden, you could hear wolves yowling in the woods. More than one, and, boy, was it loud. Sounded like they were right there in the village. Weirdest part was, Billy turned the boat around and headed straight back to the harbor like they were calling to him personally. Didn't even hear me ask what he was doing. â€Å"The noise stopped before we got the boat docked. But all of a sudden Billy was in the biggest hurry not to miss the game, though we had hours still. He was mumbling some nonsense about an earlier showing . . . of a live game? I tell you, Bella, it was odd. â€Å"Well, he found some game he said he wanted to watch, but then he just ignored it. He was on the phone the whole time, calling Sue, and Emily, and your friend Quil's grandpa. Couldn't quite make out what he was looking for – he just chatted real casual with them. â€Å"Then the howling started again right outside the house. I've never heard anything like it – I had goose bumps on my arms. I asked Billy – had to shout over the noise – if he'd been setting traps in his yard. It sounded like the animal was in serious pain.† I winced, but Charlie was so caught up in his story that he didn't notice. â€Å"‘Course I forgot all about that till just this minute, 'cause that's when Jake made it home. One minute it was that wolf yowling, and then you couldn't hear it anymore – Jake's cussing drowned it right out. Got a set of lungs on him, that boy does.† Charlie paused for a minute, his face thoughtful. â€Å"Funny that some good should come out of this mess. I didn't think they were ever going to get over that fool prejudice they have against the Cullens down there. But somebody called Carlisle, and Billy was real grateful when he showed up. I thought we should get Jake up to the hospital, but Billy wanted to keep him home, and Carlisle agreed. I guess Carlisle knows what's best. Generous of him to sign up for such a long stretch of house calls.† â€Å"And . . .† he paused, as if unwilling to say something. He sighed, and then continued. â€Å"And Edward was really . . . nice. He seemed as worried about Jacob as you are – like that was his brother lying there. The look in his eyes . . .† Charlie shook his head. â€Å"He's a decent guy, Bella. I'll try to remember that. No promises, though.† He grinned at me. â€Å"I won't hold you to it,† I mumbled. Charlie stretched his legs and groaned. â€Å"It's nice to be home. You wouldn't believe how crowded Billy's little place gets. Seven of Jake's friends all squished themselves into that little front room – I could hardly breathe. Have you ever noticed how big those Quileute kids all are?† â€Å"Yeah, I have.† Charlie stared at me, his eyes abruptly more focused. â€Å"Really, Bella, Carlisle said Jake will be up and around in no time. Said it looked a lot worse than it was. He's going to be fine.† I just nodded. Jacob had looked so . . . strangely fragile when I'd hurried down to see him as soon as Charlie had left. He'd had braces everywhere – Carlisle said there was no point in plaster, as fast as he was healing. His face had been pale and drawn, deeply unconscious though he was at the time. Breakable. Huge as he was, he'd looked very breakable. Maybe that had just been my imagination, coupled with the knowledge that I was going to have to break him. If only I could be struck by lightning and be split in two. Preferably painfully. For the first time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose. I put Charlie's dinner on the table next to his elbow and headed for the door. â€Å"Er, Bella? Could you wait just a second?† â€Å"Did I forget something?† I asked, eyeing his plate. â€Å"No, no. I just . . . want to ask a favor.† Charlie frowned and looked at the floor. â€Å"Have a seat – this won't take long.† I sat across from him, a little confused. I tried to focus. â€Å"What do you need, Dad?† â€Å"Here's the gist of it, Bella.† Charlie flushed. â€Å"Maybe I'm just feeling . . . superstitious after hanging out with Billy while he was being so strange all day. But I have this . . . hunch. I feel like . . . I'm going to lose you soon.† â€Å"Don't be silly, Dad,† I mumbled guiltily. â€Å"You want me to go to school, don't you?† â€Å"Just promise me one thing.† I was hesitant, ready to rescind. â€Å"Okay . . .† â€Å"Will you tell me before you do anything major? Before you run off with him or something?† â€Å"Dad . . . ,† I moaned. â€Å"I'm serious. I won't kick up a fuss. Just give me some advance notice. Give me a chance to hug you goodbye.† Cringing mentally, I held up my hand. â€Å"This is silly. But, if it makes you happy, . . . I promise.† â€Å"Thanks, Bella,† he said. â€Å"I love you, kid.† â€Å"I love you, too, Dad.† I touched his shoulder, and then shoved away from the table. â€Å"If you need anything, I'll be at Billy's.† I didn't look back as I ran out. This was just perfect, just what I needed right now. I grumbled to myself all the way to La Push. Carlisle's black Mercedes was not in front of Billy's house. That was both good and bad. Obviously, I needed to talk to Jacob alone. Yet I still wished I could somehow hold Edward's hand, like I had before, when Jacob was unconscious. Impossible. But I missed Edward – it had seemed like a very long afternoon alone with Alice. I supposed that made my answer quite obvious. I already knew that I couldn't live without Edward. That fact wasn't going to make this any less painful. I tapped quietly on the front door. â€Å"Come in, Bella,† Billy said. The roar of my truck was easy to recognize. I let myself in. â€Å"Hey, Billy. Is he awake?† I asked. â€Å"He woke up about a half hour ago, just before the doctor left. Go on in. I think he's been waiting for you.† I flinched, and then took a deep breath. â€Å"Thanks.† I hesitated at the door to Jacob's room, not sure whether to knock. I decided to peek first, hoping – coward that I was – that maybe he'd gone back to sleep. I felt like I could use just a few more minutes. I opened the door a crack and leaned hesitantly in. Jacob was waiting for me, his face calm and smooth. The haggard, gaunt look was gone, but only a careful blankness took its place. There was no animation in his dark eyes. It was hard to look at his face, knowing that I loved him. It made more of a difference than I would have thought. I wondered if it had always been this hard for him, all this time. Thankfully, someone had covered him with a quilt. It was a relief not to have to see the extent of the damage. I stepped in and shut the door quietly behind me. â€Å"Hi, Jake,† I murmured. He didn't answer at first. He looked at my face for a long moment. Then, with some effort, he rearranged his expression into a slightly mocking smile. â€Å"Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that.† He sighed. â€Å"Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove she's as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now this.† He waved his left hand toward me where I hesitated by the door. â€Å"How are you feeling?† I mumbled. What a stupid question. â€Å"A little stoned. Dr. Fang isn't sure how much pain medication I need, so he's going with trial and error. Think he overdid it.† â€Å"But you're not in pain.† â€Å"No. At least, I can't feel my injuries,† he said, smiling mockingly again. I bit my lip. I was never going to get through this. Why didn't anyone ever try to kill me when I wanted to die? The wry humor left his face, and his eyes warmed up. His forehead creased, like he was worried. â€Å"How about you?† he asked, sounding really concerned. â€Å"Are you okay?† â€Å"Me?† I stared at him. Maybe he had taken too many drugs. â€Å"Why?† â€Å"Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldn't actually hurt you, but I wasn't sure how bad it was going to be. I've been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke up. I didn't know if you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? I'm sorry if it was bad. I didn't mean for you to have to go through that alone. I was thinking I'd be there. . . .† It took me a minute to even understand. He babbled on, looking more and more awkward, until I got what he was saying. Then I hurried to reassure him. â€Å"No, no, Jake! I'm fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasn't mean. I wish!† His eyes widened in what looked like horror. â€Å"What?† â€Å"He wasn't even mad at me – he wasn't even mad at you! He's so unselfish it makes me feel even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. It's not like I don't deserve . . . well, much worse that getting yelled at. But he doesn't care. He just wants me to be happy.† â€Å"He wasn't mad?† Jacob asked, incredulous. â€Å"No. He was . . . much too kind.† Jacob stared for another minute, and then he suddenly frowned. â€Å"Well, damn!† he growled. â€Å"What's wrong, Jake? Does it hurt?† My hands fluttered uselessly as I looked around for his medication. â€Å"No,† he grumbled in a disgusted tone. â€Å"I can't believe this! He didn't give you an ultimatum or anything?† â€Å"Not even close – what's wrong with you?† He scowled and shook his head. â€Å"I was sort of counting on his reaction. Damn it all. He's better than I thought.† The way he said it, though angrier, reminded me of Edward's tribute to Jacob's lack of ethics in the tent this morning. Which meant that Jake was still hoping, still fighting. I winced as that stabbed deep. â€Å"He's not playing any game, Jake,† I said quietly. â€Å"You bet he is. He's playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he's doing and I don't. Don't blame me because he's a better manipulator than I am – I haven't been around long enough to learn all his tricks.† â€Å"He isn't manipulating me!† â€Å"Yes, he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that he's not a perfect as you think he is?† â€Å"At least he didn't threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him,† I snapped. As soon as the words were out, I flushed with chagrin. â€Å"Wait. Pretend that didn't slip out. I swore to myself that I wasn't going to say anything about that.† He took a deep breath. When he spoke, he was calmer. â€Å"Why not?† â€Å"Because I didn't come here to blame you for anything.† â€Å"It's true, though,† he said evenly. â€Å"I did do that.† â€Å"I don't care, Jake. I'm not mad.† He smiled. â€Å"I don't care, either. I knew you'd forgive me, and I'm glad I did it. I'd do it again. At least I have that much. At least I made you see that you do love me. That's worth something.† â€Å"Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?† â€Å"Don't you think you ought to know how you feel – just so that it doesn't take you by surprise someday when it's too late and you're a married vampire?† I shook my head. â€Å"No – I didn't mean better for me. I meant better for you. Does it make things better or worse for you, having me know that I'm in love with you? When it doesn't make a difference either way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?† He took my question as seriously as I'd meant it, thinking carefully before he answered. â€Å"Yes, it's better to have you know,† hefinally decided. â€Å"If you hadn't figured it out . . . I'd have always wondered if your decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did everything I could.† He dragged in an unsteady breath, and closed his eyes. This time I did not – could not – resist the urge to comfort him. I crossed the small room and kneeled by his head, afraid to sit on the bed in case I jostled it and hurt him, and leaned in to touch my forehead to his cheek. Jacob sighed, and put his hand on my hair, holding me there. â€Å"I'm so sorry, Jake.† â€Å"I always knew this was a long shot. It's not your fault, Bella.† â€Å"Not you, too,† I moaned. â€Å"Please.† He pulled away to look at me. â€Å"What?† â€Å"It is my fault. And I'm so sick of being told it's not.† He grinned. It didn't touch his eyes. â€Å"You want me to haul you over the coals?† â€Å"Actually . . . I think I do.† He pursed his lips as he measured how much I meant it. A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl. â€Å"Kissing me back like that was inexcusable.† He spit the words at me. â€Å"If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it.† I winced and nodded. â€Å"I'm so sorry.† â€Å"Sorry doesn't make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?† â€Å"I wasn't,† I whispered. â€Å"You should have told me to go die. That's what you want.† â€Å"No, Jacob,† I whimpered, fighting against the budding tears. â€Å"No! Never.† â€Å"You're not crying?† he demanded, his voice suddenly back to its normal tone. He twitched impatiently on the bed. â€Å"Yeah,† I muttered, laughing weakly at myself through the tears that were suddenly sobs. He shifted his weight, throwing his good leg off the bed as if he were going to try to stand. â€Å"What are you doing?† I demanded through the tears. â€Å"Lie down, you idiot, you'll hurt yourself!† I jumped to my feet and pushed his good shoulder down with two hands. He surrendered, leaning back with a gasp of pain, but he grabbed me around my waist and pulled me down on the bed, against his good side. I curled up there, trying to stifle the silly sobs against his hot skin. â€Å"I can't believe you're crying,† he mumbled. â€Å"You know I just said those things because you wanted me to. I didn't mean them.† His hand rubbed against my shoulders. â€Å"I know.† I took a deep, ragged breath, trying to control myself. How did I end up being the one crying while he did the comforting? â€Å"It's all still true, though. Thanks for saying it out loud.† â€Å"Do I get points for making you cry?† â€Å"Sure, Jake.† I tried to smile. â€Å"As many as you want.† â€Å"Don't worry, Bella, honey. It's all going to work out.† â€Å"I don't see how,† I muttered. He patted the top of my head. â€Å"I'm going to give in and be good.† â€Å"More games?† I wondered, tilting my chin so that I could see his face. â€Å"Maybe.† He laughed with a bit of effort, and then winced. â€Å"But I'm going to try.† I frowned. â€Å"Don't be so pessimistic,† he complained. â€Å"Give me a little credit.† â€Å"What do you mean by ‘be good'?† â€Å"I'll be your friend, Bella,† he said quietly. â€Å"I won't ask for more than that.† â€Å"I think it's too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?† He looked at the ceiling, his stare intent, as if he were reading something that was written there. â€Å"Maybe . . . it will have to be a long-distance friendship.† I clenched my teeth together, glad he wasn't looking at my face, fighting against the sobs that threatened to overtake me again. I needed to be strong, and I had no idea how. . . . â€Å"You know that story in the Bible?† Jacob asked suddenly, still reading the blank ceiling. â€Å"The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?† â€Å"Sure. King Solomon.† â€Å"That's right. King Solomon,† he repeated. â€Å"And he said, cut the kid in half . . . but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it.† â€Å"Yeah, I remember.† He looked back at my face. â€Å"I'm not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella.† I understood what he was saying. He was telling me that he loved me the most, that his surrender proved it. I wanted to defend Edward, to tell Jacob how Edward would do the same thing if I wanted, if I would let him. I was the one who wouldn't renounce my claim there. But there was no point in starting an argument that would only hurt him more. I closed my eyes, willing myself to control the pain. I couldn't impose that on him. We were quiet for a moment. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something; I was trying to think of something to say. â€Å"Can I tell you what the worst part is?† he asked hesitantly when I said nothing. â€Å"Do you mind? I am going to be good.† â€Å"Will it help?† I whispered. â€Å"It might. It couldn't hurt.† â€Å"What's the worst part, then?† â€Å"The worse part is knowing what would have been.† â€Å"What might have been.† I sighed. â€Å"No.† Jacob shook his head. â€Å"I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us – comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken. . . .† He stared into space for a moment, and I waited. â€Å"If the world was the way it was supposed to be, if there were no monsters and no magic . . .† I could see what he saw, and I knew that he was right. If the world was the sane place it was supposed to be, Jacob and I would have been together. And we would have been happy. He was my soul mate in that world – would have been my soul mate still if his claim had not been overshadowed by something stronger, something so strong that it could not exist in a rational world. Was it out there for Jacob, too? Something that would trump a soul mate? I had to believe that it was. Two futures, two soul mates . . . too much for any one person. And so unfair that I wouldn't be the only one to pay for it. Jacob's pain seemed too high a price. Cringing at the thought of that price, I wondered if I would have wavered, if I hadn't lost Edward once. If I didn't know what it was like to live without him. I wasn't sure. That knowledge was so deep a part of me, I couldn't imagine how I would feel without it. â€Å"He's like a drug for you, Bella.† His voice was still gentle, not at all critical. â€Å"I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun.† The corner of my mouth turned up in a wistful half-smile. â€Å"I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me.† He sighed. â€Å"The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse.† I touched his face, laying my hand against his cheek. He exhaled at my touch and closed his eyes. It was very quiet. For a minute I could hear the beating of his heart, slow and even. â€Å"Tell me the worst part for you,† he whispered. â€Å"I think that might be a bad idea.† â€Å"Please.† â€Å"I think it will hurt.† â€Å"Please.† How could I deny him anything at this point? â€Å"The worst part . . .† I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. â€Å"The worst part is that I saw the whole thing – our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't, and it's killing me. It's like Sam and Emily, Jake – I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that's why I was fighting against you so hard.† He seemed to be concentrating on breathing evenly. â€Å"I knew I shouldn't have told you that.† He shook his head slowly. â€Å"No. I'm glad you did. Thank you.† He kissed the top of my head, and then he sighed. â€Å"I'll be good now.† I looked up, and he was smiling. â€Å"So you're going to get married, huh?† â€Å"We don't have to talk about that.† â€Å"I'd like to know some of the details. I don't know when I'll talk to you again.† I had to wait for a minute before I could speak. When I was pretty sure that my voice wouldn't break, I answered his question. â€Å"It's not really my idea . . . but, yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?† Jake nodded. â€Å"That's true. It's not such a big thing – in comparison.† His voice was very calm, very practical. I stared at him, curious about how he was managing, and that ruined it. He met my eyes for a second, and then twisted his head away. I waited to speak until his breathing was under control. â€Å"Yes. In comparison,† I agreed. â€Å"How long do you have left?† â€Å"That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together.† I suppressed a groan, imagining what Alice would do. â€Å"Before or after?† he asked quietly. I knew what he meant. â€Å"After.† He nodded. This was a relief to him. I wondered how many sleepless nights the thought of my graduation had given him. â€Å"Are you scared?† he whispered. â€Å"Yes,† I whispered back. â€Å"What are you afraid of?† I could barely hear his voice now. He stared down at my hands. â€Å"Lots of things.† I worked to make my voice lighter, but I stayed honest. â€Å"I've never been much of a masochist, so I'm not looking forward to the pain. And I wish there was some way to keep him away – I don't want him to suffer with me, but I don't think there's any way around it. There's dealing with Charlie, too, and Rene. . . . And then afterward, I hope I'll be able to control myself soon. Maybe I'll be such a menace that the pack will have to take me out.† He looked up with a disapproving expression. â€Å"I'd hamstring any one of my brothers who tried.† â€Å"Thanks.† He smiled halfheartedly. Then he frowned. â€Å"But isn't it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say it's too hard . . . they lose control . . . people die. . . .† He gulped. â€Å"No, I'm not afraid of that. Silly Jacob – don't you know better than to believe vampire stories?† He obviously didn't appreciate my attempt at humor. â€Å"Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end.† He nodded unwillingly, and I knew that he in no way agreed with me. I stretched my neck up to whisper in his ear, laying my cheek against his warm skin. â€Å"You know I love you.† â€Å"I know,† he breathed, his arm tightening automatically around my waist. â€Å"You know how much I wish it was enough.† â€Å"Yes.† â€Å"I'll always be waiting in the wings, Bella,† he promised, lightening his tone and loosening his arm. I pulled away with a dull, dragging sense of loss, feeling the tearing separation as I left a part of me behind, there on the bed next to him. â€Å"You'll always have that spare option if you want it.† I made an effort to smile. â€Å"Until my heart stops beating.† He grinned back. â€Å"You know, I think maybe I'd still take you – maybe. I guess that depends on how much you stink.† â€Å"Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didn't?† â€Å"I'll think it through and get back to you,† he said. â€Å"I might need the company to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I can't phase until he gives the okay – it might mess up the way the bones are set.† Jacob made a face. â€Å"Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. You'll get well faster.† â€Å"Sure, sure.† â€Å"I wonder when it will happen,† I said. â€Å"When the right girl is going to catch your eye.† â€Å"Don't get your hopes up, Bella.† Jacob's voice was abruptly sour. â€Å"Though I'm sure it would be a relief for you.† â€Å"Maybe, maybe not. I probably won't think she's good enough for you. I wonder how jealous I'll be.† â€Å"That part might be kind of fun,† he admitted. â€Å"Let me know if you want me to come back, and I'll be here,† I promised. With a sigh, he turned his cheek toward me. I leaned in and kissed his face softly. â€Å"Love you, Jacob.† He laughed lightly. â€Å"Love you more.† He watched me walk out of his room with an unfathomable expression in his black eyes.

Autobiographical Fiction

In the beginning the official said, let the stadium lights come on, and they came on. The football players came onto the field, and they saw the light was good. Other teams started to show up and practice on the battle ground, otherwise known as the â€Å"playing field. † Fans shouted, and cheerleaders went on about their playful acts. Parents, brothers, sisters, and close friends all piled into the stands to see the game of the year. The official stepped out onto the moist grass at Manchester United Stadium in Manchester, England. The time was 7. 45pm on a Saturday night. He paused for a moment, looked at his stopwatch, and blew his whistle. Gigantic muscular men came from out of nowhere as the fans began to cheer, waving various flags, scarfs and t-shirts The players ran out to the middle of the stadium. A feel of hatred and resentment came about in the air. The crowd came unglued from their seats. The sounds of various noisemakers filled the air once again. Parents and grandparents alike came to their feet in the stands. Cars stopped on the street in front of the stadium, as they honked their horns, and cheered for their team of choice. As the two burly men stood in the middle of the field, many thoughts ran through their heads. They both knew someone was going to lose, but defeat was out of the question. The official tossed a silver coin into the air. The coin hit the wet grass with a shiny face of Queen Elizabeth clearly showing. The home team will kick off. Both anger infested players shook hands and ran back to their half. The fans began to cheer as the players took the field again. Little did the fans know of how the players practiced all week long. Burnage had a very intense practice, while Didsbury slacked off, and took an easy week, since their opponent was not that good of a team. The kick-off approached for both teams, almost instantaneously. Memories of past football games, and practices were rushing through our heads. The time clock read 8:00pm. Suddenly, a whistle blew, and the brown bundle of pigskin went flying into the air. Running to the ball, one of the Burnage players quickly got the football, stepped left, then to the right as he attempted to get past the opponents. Soon after, the player was tackled down by a pack of Didsbury players, and the referee gave the ball to one of the Burnage players. I had been waiting for this moment all of my life. The match of the year in Manchester was about to begin. Burnage have lost 14 years straight to Didsbury. Managers only daydreamed of beating the undefeated Didsbury team. As referee called for the play, I smiled with joy. The first play of the game was to me. I played at the defence, so I was going to run the ball. First play, up the middle of the field, I ran for a fifteen yard gain. The next play was to one of my fellow team mates, which he also ran for another large gain of 26 yards. I could not believe my eyes. After all these years, the game was finally here. We, as a team, were slowly tearing apart the Didsbury defence. Our offence was dominating the ball, and they could not stop our players. After 20 minutes Burnage took the lead to make the score 1-0. Straight after the lead it came as a shock to our team. We were starting to get tired, and make little mistakes that cost us to let Didsbury have a free kick. One of our defenders was not defending in the right place, and that lead to one of the didsbury player to strike the ball in an uncovered area to score a goal. We all hung our heads as Didsbury celebrated their goal, and taunted our players. As we approached to our half of the field, the manager had a few words of his own to share with our team. â€Å"Listen up here boys, it ain't over yet. If you give up now, you are going to lose. That is the sport of football. If you give up, you lose. † I was not going to let my 4 years of previous football experience go to waste, just because I was tired. We as a team knew our manager was serious, as a tiny tear drop formed in the corner of his eye. Half time came about, as we all headed to the locker room for a sip of cool water, and a long speech was made by the managers. To my surprise, our manager was very calm with us as he drew out plays with piece of white chalk on the board. The manager mainly concentrated on how to overcome the Didsbury defence. As I sat there in the locker room, I knew what I had to do. I knew that the team was depending on my skills. Visions of victory ran through my head. I visualized the opponent as a measly bowling pin, and myself as the bowling ball. My imagination started to run wild. As I felt the adrenaline running through my veins, my body started to tremble with anger. I thought to myself, â€Å"They really do think we can't win, and I have to prove them wrong. † The half time is over and the players stroll on to the battle ground with a feeling of fierce hatred. With anger and rage in my eyes, I was ready. I was a true lean, mean, defending machine. Nothing was going to get in my way. My head steamed a white smoke. The weather slowly began to get colder a cold front moved in. The sky, covered with clouds, grumbled at us as we called our plays, and ran them. Just 30 minutes were now left on the clock; both teams were overcome with fatigue. The score remained at 1-1 The weather began to get cold, and small droplets of water started to fall from the ocean like sky. I felt the nervousness of the crowd, as the clanging of the cow bells from the crowd came to a halt. Managers paced back and forth, as we headed into the last 15 minutes. Each team got two possessions on offense. Neither team had the strength to penetrate the defence. Now only 3 minutes remained on the time clock. The weather took over the game, pouring down with rain from the black sky. All the players stopped to visualize whether play will continue or not. The play wasn't called off in the huddle so the players engaged into the game again. The play consisted of me running to the right, and the left-back defender was going to toss the ball to me. As I took off to the right side of the field, I suddenly felt a burst of energy. My bones felt relaxed, and my muscles replenished. The left back defender tossed me the ball, and I ran frantically down the playing field strolling through the Didsbury defence. I couldn't believe my eyes, as I viewed the target made for me to run through. Fifteen yards down the field, I met up with one of my old friends who was Didsbury's centre back defender and my opponent. He slipped and fell in his attempt to tackle me. The perfect opportunity had come to strike the ball in to the net. So I did and scored! I smiled with joy. The crowd went wild, popcorn spilled onto the wet ground. Cow bells once again sounded as the raindrops still poured down. I will never forget that moment of my life. Shortly after, the referee blew the final whistle. Burnage went on to beat Didsbury! I could see it now on the front page of the town news paper: â€Å"Burnage demolishes Disbury for the first time in 14 years! † We finally beat the best team in the city. As we celebrated, and jumped around on the soggy grass, a tear came to my eye. It was all hitting me now. I finally achieved the goal of my life! I could not control the tremendous smirk on my face. As I watched the manager from the opposing team cry in agony, I thought to myself, â€Å"That must be what they call the agony of defeat. † I knew that the moment of my life I had long waited for, was gone. Only memories are left in my mind, and I cherish every single one of them.

Rail construction project failure Research Paper

Rail construction project failure - Research Paper Example The rail transport in this country is underdeveloped with rail transportation accounting for less that 1% of the land transportation (Oluwakiyesi 2011). It has been found out that non-utilization of competent consultants and contractors, inconsistencies in government policies, defective cash flow, and inadequate monitoring are the major cause of failure of projects in this country (Ololusi & Otunola 2012). However, the government and other stakeholders have been very slow to react and thus the problem continues to be evident. Morocco on the other hand is an African country that has been able to construct its railway system with all odds. It has recently pursued an upgrading of its rail network to meet the expectations of the customers and aspirations of economic operators (ADB 2011). This indicate that unlike other countries whose rail network rate back in the colonial period, most of the rail networks in Morocco are current. The reason for this is the several successful railway cons truction projects done in this country. The development of the railways in this country is associated with its collaboration with other Arab countries. This collaboration has been assisting Morocco to pull together massive capital investments at the beginning of the railway construction projects thus making them successful. According to Mawared (2012), the forming of community with other countries has aided economic growth in this country thus enhancing success of railway construction projects. b) Statement of the problems Railway construction experiences various problems. According to Lucas (2004), the board and management of railway construction programs find it difficult to keep the programs going at full speed. This causes the railway network in most of the country to stagnate or under-develop. This is one of the problems that will be addressed by this the research we propose. No research has been done to address this problem and that is why this research will be of importance. The other problem is about the funding of railway construction projects. The funding of these projects has been found to be beyond the capability of the government and stakeholders involved (Foch 2012). Very few researches have attempted to solve this problem and they have not been able to provide an appropriate solution to the problem. Therefore, there is a need to design a mean that could be used to fund such projects. Moreover, these projects are not only influenced by financial factors but also by social and environmental factors (COWI 2012). This problem has been avoided for years and that is why we have decided to undertake this research to address it. There is a need to establish some of those factors that might be causing the projects to fail so that to avoid their failures in the future. This will be a third problem that will be addressed by the proposed research. c) Research hypotheses The large sizes of railway construction projects make the projects complicated thus cont ributing to their failures. The large cost involved in the railway construction projects is the major cause of their failures. Other factors like socio-economic and environmental factors also play a great role in causing failure of railway construction projects. Lack of collaboration between the people involved in the r

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BIOCHEMISTRY 2 - Assignment Example The process involves either an addition of a transforming group to one of the amino acids of the polypeptide chain or its proteolytic cleavage. The modifications comprise glycosylation, phosphorylation, nitrosylation, ubiquitination, acetylation, methylation, proteolysis lipidation. The process of PTM is governed by enzymes such as transferases, kinases, ligases and phosphatises which act upon distinctive amino acid side chains or on the peptide linkages. The mechanism of action of these enzymes involves addition or removal of distinct functional groups, sugars, lipids, proteins etc. either from or to the amino acid side chains. 1. During the process of translation (e.g. disulfide bonding). Disulfide bonds are formed between the two sulphur molecules. Amino acid Cysteine contains sulphur, as a result disulfide bond is formed between two residues of cysteine (R-S-S-R). The bond formed is strong and plays an imperative role in accurate folding as well as stability of protein molecules. DNA is the basic genetic material which is made up of four nucleotides Adenine (A), Guanine (G), Cytosine (C) and Thiamine (T). Adenine always pair with Thiamine with a double Hydrogen bond while Guanine pairs with Cytosine with a triple Hydrogen bond. The process of transcription is responsible for the formation of messenger RNA or mRNA. This process takes place inside the nucleus in eukaryotes. The sequence of nucleotides in DNA is responsible for the amino acid sequence of mRNAs which are translated into proteins. Transcription and translation involves the processes such as initiation, elongation and termination. The process of transcription involves RNA polymerase which is attached to the promoter sequence. When the protein is desired, the gene is â€Å"switched on† and when protein is not required the gene is â€Å"switched off†. Elongation is carried out after the assembly of PIC at the promoter site, TFIIH is similar to helicase which unwinds the DNA. Terminatio n

Christian denomination Research Paper Example | Topics and Well Written Essays - 1250 words

Christian denomination - Research Paper Example Though the denominations have a similar origin and are all followers of Christ, their variations arise from their differing views about the bible and its interpretations. A major factor connecting the denominations is the fact that they all rely upon the Bible for guidance, though there may be variations in these Bibles. As such, an example of a Christian denomination is the Jehovah Witnesses that started in the late 1800’s. Charles Taze Russell, who was a child to Joseph and Anna Russell, started this denomination while under bible study class at 18. During his bible studies, he interpreted the bible and came up with the conclusion that there was no such thing as the Holy Trinity and, on this, he started organizing himself to mobilize others who shared similar ideas. Moreover, he broke away from his then church as his views differed with what was spread by his church. Apart from this, he was also of the idea that hell fire was nonexistent and did not buy the idea that Christ was a deity. In the course of popularizing his ideas, he started publishing magazines and journals mostly countering other denominations, and by 1884, after gaining much foot, he came up with The Watchtower and established Watch Tower Tract Society that later transformed into the present Watch Tower Bible and Tract Society (Butalia 123). This assisted in the denominations publications that were mainly biased upon Russell’s ideas, as he was the sole author, and his main motive was to make his ideas known. Moreover, he organized denominational congregations where the followers received continuous teachings and Bible interpretations. This went on until his death in 1916. Upon Russell’s death, the society, which was then under the name International Bible Students Association due to its composition of bible study students, was taken over by Joseph Franklin. Joseph had the eccentricity of Russell, and he too made various controversial decisions while reigning at the society . This led to further split in the society but Joseph was unrelenting in his thoughts. Despite this, he retained the majority of followers. In light of this, in 1931, he changed its name to Jehovah’s Witnesses, a name that stuck to date. After the passing on of Joseph, the society went under the leadership of various personalities such as Nathan Knorr and William Franz in the course of its transformational journey (Butalia 145). Nathan was accredited with commissioning a new Bible translation and incorporating policies that enabled for continued growth worldwide. Others who have graced the management of the society include Milton Herschel and Don Adams, through which the denomination has grown in leaps and bounds, transforming under each individual leadership. The early and founding leadership of the society was well known for their penchant for coming up with chronologies that tried to predict the dates that the world would end. After a series of uneventful episodes and disa ppointments, the society abandoned the culture of trying to figure out the end of the world. Jehovah’s Witnesses are involved in a variety of practices that set them apart from the rest of the denominations. Their main practice is evangelism, which they mainly carry out on a door-to-door basis. Their principles are based upon their interpretation of the Bible, which at times differ from other Christians. A main point of divergence between Jehovah’s Witnesses and other Christians is their denial of the holy trinity and view that hell is nonexistent. They are not

12 linguistics branches Research Paper Example | Topics and Well Written Essays - 500 words

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St. Peter's Basillica (Designed by Bramante) Term Paper

St. Peter's Basillica (Designed by Bramante) - Term Paper Example In the early years of the fourth century, the emperor Constantine planned to build a basilica and dedicate it to Saint Peter. The building was to be located on the Vatican Hill that lies on the south part of the river. The project was a difficult one as the location was on the sloping part of the hill. The floor was projecting outside, being away from the hill. After the basilica was built, it was wonderfully adorned with marble and bronze outside and mosaics and gold inside. As the Basilica was located at an odd site, people started feeling that beneath the basilica lie the buried body of St. Peter. People felt that Emperor Constantine decided to build the basilica on that location because St Peter’s body was buried there. In the sixteenth century, Emperor Constantine’s basilica began to fall off. The basilica was therefore demolished in the year 1425. Only the floor of the basilica was preserved. Popes, kings and artists very soon designed a new plan of the basilica t o be dedicated for St. Peter. Nicholas V, in 1450, took the initiative for the gigantic task. Very soon he came up with a plan that was ten times larger than the imagination of anybody else. The new proposed Basilica would have a large dome kept above the central Greek Cross. The dome would be a great architectural achievement of the celebrated Renaissance arts. Several years after the construction Nicholas V recognized that in order to make it the best, best architects should be hired for the work. He welcomed artists to share their ideas. St. Peter’s Basilica is the perfect example of architectural beauty. Nicholas V entrusted the architectural work to Bernardo Rossellino. His plans were to add to the existing church. The idea was cancelled later. In the late years of the fifteenth century, Pope Sixtus IV began the construction of Sistine Chapel, near to the site. St Peter’s Basilica was fully rebuilt in the sixteenth Century. The building work was started in 1506, a dding to the existing building. This work was under Pope Julius II. The work got completed almost hundred years later in the year 1615. Pope Paul V was the pope in that period. The highly complex construction activity of the church was named as Fabbrica di San Pietro’. Innumerable renaissance architects were involved in the great assignment of church construction. The first chief architect of St. Peter’s Basilica construction was Donato  Bramante. Michelangelo remained as the main architect of the building for a certain period. His is credited with the role of the designer of the dome. Bernini designed the famous St. Peter’s Square. St. Peter’s Basilica  or ‘Basilica di San Pietro in Vaticano (the Italian name of the Basilica) is the holiest and most admired Christian sites. It is the largest church building, with a length of 220 meters and breadth 150 meters. The church can hold more than sixty thousand people. The marvelous architecture of the basilica got its legacy from the Renaissance and Baroque style of architecture. It was deemed as one of the biggest buildings of its period. The basilica is believed to be situation in the site where Apostle Peter was crucified and buried. Basilica is therefore considered to be over the tomb. The tomb is believed to be under the main altar. The shrine of Apostle Peter in the basilica is one of the chief focuses of the buildings. The tombs of other popes that are buried in the church are also visible. The elliptical St. Peter's

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Central bank Assignment Example | Topics and Well Written Essays - 1000 words

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